I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize