I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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