i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
