All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
