You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
