I just made out with a guy for $7.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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