Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
