Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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