Don't you send me to vm
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
