Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
