NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize