Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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