We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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