i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Two words: blizzard sex
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
