She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
