My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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