Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize