We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
