His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
