It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
