You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
