Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
