Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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