There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize