One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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