i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
