mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
