She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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