ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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