Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Randomize
