he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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