Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
