I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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