please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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