Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
