Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
