On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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