Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
