I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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