when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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