you guys were way drunker than both of me
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
