Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
vagina is talking i cant
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize