My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
