Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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