someone threw a dead crab at me
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
