Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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