Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
