Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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