You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
