dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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