so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
