I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
