I think I won the penis lottery.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
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