You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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