Redeem this text for a blowjob
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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