Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
