So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
