I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize