I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
