Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
