This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
