I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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