I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
