I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
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