We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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